Amage to the Emo
So i am going to get really honest. My deepest fear right now is losing everybody. and by everybody i mean certian anybodies. Family- grandparents (i force those thoughts away) Parents- If i lost my siblings or Cathy's kids you'd have to commit me. Friends... already have. Let them go- two that ment the world to me, two chose to leave my life.
So like if people knew my mistakes, choices, past.. would they still love me? What if the few friends that do know everything about me just decided to leave? Seems irrational right? Of course and at the same time NO! Its valid that i am afraid- Its my fear! how i feel. Tonight im terrified and lonley- which is a bit mellodramatic for even me but here i am. and i think i know why- Loving hurts- no thats not why... Cause i feel far away from God tonight.
Do i just thrive on drama i create in my head? The intense emotion of a good girly cry? Yeah to some extent- but im looking at me and seeing..this. Perhaps i shouldnt share all that (or talk about myself so much) But for as much as i "know" he is here- he still wont wrap his arms around me- no one here to do it for him. So either i can accept some form of comfort in knowladge- roll over and go to sleep- or i can wallow in my self pitty, lonley mood- cause it suits the moment (sarcastic chuckle)
Or option 3 and the one i hope for- That God would be near. However he chooses to be; through an email from a friend or the stars, or just peace in my spirit (heart of hearts). All i wish for right now is to hear a familiar voice- one though never heard audibaly- my heart knows. He makes my heart race, my hopes rise, and all my fears subside. To hear and know. So, for a while, im going to walk alone and wait.
posted by o-likewoah @ 10:47 PM
3 Comments:
My dear friend. I love you!! You are a blessing and I cant wait to see you next week. Know that I am here. Know that you can call me anytime and that I will be on the road all day on Wednesday and hope to get a call from you!! Rest my friend in the comfort of his peace. Knowing that just because we are at peace doesn't mean that life will be easy.
I love you!!!
Alright silly pants, get it under control. See ontop of everyting else you have going on, you are far away from your closest family.
Tip #1: STOP thinking about people dying. We, as women, have this tendancy, to start reacting to things that haven't even happened yet. Sometimes things that may not even happen at all.
Tip #2: Whenver you start feeling like that, pray and ask God for peace, and to stop the attack. Because that's what it is. When satan can't get in any other way, he comes stomping in through my thoughts....and all the sudden I'm a basketcase...don't fall for it. You are smarter and more precious than that!
Tip #3: Call for help! Call DJ or myself, or some other friend or family member who understands and isn't going to think you are crazy. Even your brother or sister....(DJ and I do this all the time) and say: I was thinking this and this led to that, and now I'm hysterical, and somebody help me whats going on and what do I do.....And then she reminds me to pray, and we pray together, and then I feel better. Have someone to call, and call them. By the way, its not weird to pray together over the phone. Mom and I used to do it all the time. Whe you get a little older, it won't feel weird at all to call your brothers and sisters for prayer, and even to pray right that mintue on the phone.
But for now, Mom's are really great for that. I bet AB could get behind that even if she's never done it before. And I highly doubt, being mom's sister, that they haven't done that on several occasions. (I know sometimes you can't call mom. I understand that. But sometimes you can.)
Well, I think it has already been said, but I am saying it all anyway...
#1 You are NEVER alone, no matter how it feels. I know it seems sometimes like no one can understand what you are really going through, and that is partly true because everyone goes through it differently, but there are those of us who have been there.
Our family has a tendency to shelter our mistakes from the majority of the outside world and especially from those who might be influenced negatively because of them. Rest assured none of your cousins have grown up "perfect" we have all made mistakes, some of them downright impressive and yet no one pulls away, in fact, we all close ranks and pull whoever needs it through the fire.
Remember Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego? I do not think it was an accident that they were put into the fire together. Yes, God appeared and was there with them, but the moments right before hand really had to be tough, and God arranged for them to be there together. He does not intend for His children to try to survive ANYTHING alone. Reach out, we're here, and so is He whether it feels like it or not.
#2 God does not and will not give grace to survive something that has not happened. I am not going to pretend you are some 6 year old child and try to tell you that if something awful happens that it won't hurt. You were there when Mom died, you know how that went. However, I will tell you that God will only give grace when you actually need it, not one minute before.
Usually when I am dealing with the fear of death of a loved one or imminent pain of any kind, it is because I am beyond exhausted. Satan has a way of attacking our minds when they are most vulnerable, usually when we are tired, frustrated, and feeling as though nothing we do makes any difference.
It's weird, I am coming to learn that death is part of life and so must eventually be faced. Whether it is the death of a friendship, a romantic attachment, or the physical death of someone you love very much, the pain is very real but I will promise you this, God makes it so that the pain of loss eases over time and is never as bad initially as you can imagine it will be. Do not allow your mind and your time to be consumed with fear about what might happen in ANY situation, know that God has you in the palm of His hand and that it will all be okay, however it feels in this moment.
You will be home sooner than you think, your family loves you, all of us in Central FL love you, your Aunt Cathy and her family love you. Remember when we have little kids around, we teach them "Who loves you?" Do you remember the response? It is not ANY less true now that it was when you were 2, just reach out and feel it.
I love you, hang in there!!
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