Rest Again

Ah, and there was peace and quite- and my sister reading what I am typing aloud. Hmmm. Ok well this is a tid bit from my own head- my thought process of late:

"God what the heck- This is killing me!
Man how do I know there is a God?
What?!? Shut up.you live and breathe by God's grace
And have the audasity to question him???
Yeah but all this philosiphy from school- bending my mind in half
So when did i let the words of others dictate my thoughts?
When they sounded right- or wrong
Why do i need tangable? Its not for me to know the mysterys of God
Dangit - Lord forgive me! Lord I want so desperatley to believe fully
FULLY GOD - but i need to see you NEED TO FEEL YOU AGAIN

its been so dry here- and i have been working so hard neglecting the source- neglecting you

you? who am i talking to? with what intent? am i just praying words.
GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THERE! I WILL SCREEM UNTIL I HAVE NO VOICE!!!
You have to show yourself dont hide
If i dont see you I will go crazy -
this is life and death- my faith is faltering but i will not abandon you
Dont you dare abandon me now!!!
The only conselation i have the only comforts are that:
1) I know you are real because of all you have done in my own life
If i can believe myself I can believe you have moved and will move
again
2) All the mind bending philosophy and sience in the world is
only speculation by people like me- humans (and what do we know?)
I CANNOT PROVE YOU WRONG THEREFORE YOU MUST BE UNEXPLAINABLE
3) I can put faith in the infinite because I was made for it (*see
"Meer Christianity"~ cs lewis) I long for another world and rest
that is not found in this life.

God i still dont feel you- and my prayre while simi blasphemous Jesus its where I'm at. And only by your blood- I can doubt and still be forgiven. Loved? Break my heart- or maybe Lord touch me now and put it back together.

I HAVE SEEN YOU AND KNOW YOU ARE THERE_ REMIND ME OF THAT
*Disclamer- I am a professing christian being maybe too honest. I am a sinner only saved by grace.