I think maybe deep down I just wanna be skrewed up. I spent the last couple nights wishing that I could just get ripped and do whatever the hell I felt like doing! Well I didnt cause I have found that when you drink when you want to (drinking with malicious intent)- you do what you most deffinately regret, yeah its what you "wanted" to do, but if you wont do those things sober- why get wasted?

Hmmm justify my guilt you say! YES THANKS FOR PLAYING_ WANDA TELL THEM WHAT THEY HAVE WON!!! ( a ticket to endless guilt and pain and suffering???)

...for whom the son has set free... i think i desire bondage... no... i desire love...

or door number two: the worst of it is that mostly if tempted strongly enough id do it sober and hate myself even more, seeking to fulfill this need for love by all the wrong means. Going about to satisfy a justified desire, the easiest and most distructive way

A little calmer but brutially honest- There is a guy around. With him I feel safe, i feel compleetly comfortable, and cant seem to get to where i feel like i can date him. My family loves him (and everyone- i think including him, believs we are together- even though I have told him on multiple occations that I cant) And where am i?- pretty much hanging out in denile. Dont wanna lose the friendship- dont want more.

My door number three is my excape, my rock. The only man who dosnt play with my heart. Who knows my ins and outs- who sees how bad i suck at life and who loved me before i made so many mistakes- who loves me now in the midst of more, If i could screem louder I would- but I already have his attention. I have this amazing ability to leave a trail of destruction wherever I love- and Im ready to not "love" anyone but my savior. Now im not talking about not loving peope- im saying not romantically- or with enfatuation.

Im also not saying "I hate life, will never find love", singing dashboard confessional and brighteyes to a slit-your-wrist tune. Life goes on, amazingly. But my heart has been broken enough thank you- Its going to take God slaping me upside the head with the right guy to open me up. (and maybe a crowbar for the wall around my heart)


*deep sigh* or maybe some real healing. I thought I had been, could it be that some wounds can be re opeaned? or am I just making new cuts with the same old knife?

"It all comes down to this today
Move me Lord or I might break
Teach me how to sing your praise
That we might be as one

My lips they move My hearts afraid
To be undone to stay the same
Come in power come and stay
That we might be as one

And I dont know how to mean this more
Cause I cant screem louder from my soul
I dont know how to want you more
I cant get lower than this floor

Will you come..."