The Beginning of the End

I love the line "and here at the end of all things", always have. Its hard to understand right now that I only have one short week left here in heart butte. I am rested right now- i have slept enough- kindof at the expense of talking to any of my friends. But even that seems ok at this point.

There are so many things i didnt do this summer. So many people i didnt make time to call. If i look at it long enough it feels like a failure. And im not sure what this summer was for me. It did not feel much like a success most of the time.

And yet if i really look at it- it was. Because plain and simple- its not about how good my talks are, or about how bad i skrewed up at inventory, or how i didnt prepare club well enough to suit the rest of everyone, exct. its not about me at all.

And its not about the youth and how much fun they had here, or what they give us on the evaluations- as much as it feels like its all about the adult leaders sometimes- bless the Lord its not!

So what was this all about? Micah 6:8, broken hearts, open eyes, and love- over abounding love that people need!!! So many children in Heart Butte see only one on one attention here at kidsclub, elders get loved on and served by groups coming and painting and hanging out. It is short term, i just have to hope that it has a lasting effect if we are able to stay on the reservation for years to come.

And now i am so ready to go home. And at the same time it will be strainge to not be here. I dont want to abandon these kids- and it feels a lot like abandonment. Its not fair! you lay down roots, build relationships, grow to love people, and then leave! Oh i have done so much whining on this blog- now i wish i could go back and give more story- more getting it right this time. this summer has been amazing.

No really, Im ok!

So i have been missing it. All of it. Wow- i feel dumb. Well, no, in a way i was right- fears are valid- but not so if i dwell on them, like the "attack" thanks yall who commented and reminded me to come back to earth. :) maybe i should explain "missing it"

See i get very frusterated with God- insanley mad sometimes, then just hurt- because i cant touch him- and he dosnt hold me. Like as blasphemous as it is, my thought process is very often "OK why stinkin not God??? Why dont you- creator of the universe? Why do you choose to not be physically here-" probably for two reasons, one faith isnt faith if i dont have to believe in something-

and the second reason where i have my "duh" moment :)

We are described as being the hands and feet of christ- as christians, my family and my friends- i am blessed to be surrounded by people who love the lord and love on me!!! Those are God's tangable gifts- a friend who putts their arm around me! A note of encouragment or just an "i love you" from 2,100 miles away- They are his voice and his arms in my life. And it is enough.
Maybe not always as much as i desire- but enough to remind me that it is not only their love for me (which is overwelming and such a gift) but his.

So thank you! everyone who loves me. Yall mean so much to me :) Unity in Christ is such a presious thing. like a treasure, that i am so stinkin quick to forget about! and then i lose words and just want to give the gift you all give to me- and i pray that God does that through me. same.

And besides all that-

I learned monday that i am a bad dancer in two cultures. haha

Im missing my guitar case- its GONE. hmmmm

and in case you were wondering- no i have not cut my dreads off (i love you mom)

somebody eat some sushi for me- then let me know what you had :)

PEACE!!!

Amage to the Emo

So i am going to get really honest. My deepest fear right now is losing everybody. and by everybody i mean certian anybodies. Family- grandparents (i force those thoughts away) Parents- If i lost my siblings or Cathy's kids you'd have to commit me. Friends... already have. Let them go- two that ment the world to me, two chose to leave my life.

So like if people knew my mistakes, choices, past.. would they still love me? What if the few friends that do know everything about me just decided to leave? Seems irrational right? Of course and at the same time NO! Its valid that i am afraid- Its my fear! how i feel. Tonight im terrified and lonley- which is a bit mellodramatic for even me but here i am. and i think i know why- Loving hurts- no thats not why... Cause i feel far away from God tonight.

Do i just thrive on drama i create in my head? The intense emotion of a good girly cry? Yeah to some extent- but im looking at me and seeing..this. Perhaps i shouldnt share all that (or talk about myself so much) But for as much as i "know" he is here- he still wont wrap his arms around me- no one here to do it for him. So either i can accept some form of comfort in knowladge- roll over and go to sleep- or i can wallow in my self pitty, lonley mood- cause it suits the moment (sarcastic chuckle)

Or option 3 and the one i hope for- That God would be near. However he chooses to be; through an email from a friend or the stars, or just peace in my spirit (heart of hearts). All i wish for right now is to hear a familiar voice- one though never heard audibaly- my heart knows. He makes my heart race, my hopes rise, and all my fears subside. To hear and know. So, for a while, im going to walk alone and wait.