Broken Glass and Unconditional Love

Over thanksgiving break my mom dropped one of our crystal salad bowls. It shattered into about a million-zillion little peices. And I couldnt help (after my heart calmed down cause the crash nearly sent me through the roof) couldnt help smiling to myself. Every time I break something glass, or I see someone break glass- I am reminded of a defining expierence in my childhood.

I was seven. And to that point I was a proper little girl who had the fear of holy mannerlyness steel driven into her very soul by her mothers seering glares. Haha no not really- My mom was very intent that we (my siblings and I) learned and exibited proper manners at all times when we were guests or in public, but she never demanded perfection or got livid when we slipped. We were kids! I was a kid- again I was seven. But I didn't know that. As far as I was concerned I was every bit the maturity of a 15 year old, and held myself to a standard of perfection while in public- or guesthood. (is that a word? ...guesthood?)

Anyway- my family had been staying with my aunt Donna's family for a week or so on our summer vacation. We were all in varying stages of breakfast when I dropped my nearly full big GLASS of milk. It shattered on their tile floor- and I was knee shakingly mortified. I just broke one of aunt donna's good glasses. They hadnt given me a plastic cup that morning- and oh how i wished they had. Mom had just gotten done telling me to be careful, and dad was just giving me that look: "well then Tracy, it wouldnt have happened if..." Oh who cared what I could have done different. It was done. The glass was broken. So was my heart. Aunt Donna came over quickly with a cloth for the milk- Dad grabbed the big pieces. Mom sopped the table. And I stood there in shock with tears welling in my eyes.

"Im sorry" with a choke and a halfe sob- its all I could say

"Why in the world are you crying?" Aunt Donna asked in the way only she could...

"I just broke one of your glasses!" Duh! aunt donna I just ended the beautiful breakfast and "probably broke one of the glasses from your best set". _

(like they would give a seven year old a good glass... but remember i was 15 in my mind)

Aunt Donna laughed (again you just had to know her) She could warm your soul with a laugh or a smile- there was something so tender in her eyes, and in her voice- she really let you know that she loved you. And you knew. She never had to say it. But she did :) she kissed me on my head, gave me a great big hug and said;

"Tracy, I want to show you something." she walked me around the counter to the cabnet where they kept the glasses. She opeaned it up. "Look at that and tell me what you see"

There before me was a whole cabnet full of glasses of all shapes, sizes, and colors. And honestly I cant remember if i said anythign- if i did it wasnt much more than "Cups and glasses" I was still crying inside.

"There arnt two glasses in there that are alike. (again she laughed, cause honestly it was funny) At one time they were part of a set- but over the years my children have broken many of them- and I have probably broken more than they did. But I still love them. And I still love you. No matter what you do, I will always love you"

She hugged me again and I held on. I remember that because I was crying all over again, not in shame, but because of her reaction to my disaster. She loved me- despite my broken glass. Oh how I miss her now. She has gone on to be with the Lord. But I will never forget her, or this story. (cause I am still always breaking glass.)

A Song?

here are some lyrics (well all the lyrics actually) to a song of mine. -the words kinda explain themselves. Thought I'd share cause, well yeah just cause. Input and critiques are welcome

Written between the lines- these lies and signs of times
Cliche's of words and ways - all said before all done the same
Mundane in times of pain day after day
And nothing but more words in which to fill them up
Like bait and switch- try and fill your cup

sense when has theoretical meant more than just theories
A doctrine made of "Christianeeze"- cheezy lines said over and over
Tradition is not salvation- your affirmation of sanctification
Even my semi college education cant explain away words like these

And nothingness is to simple an excuse
If only nothing were big enough to cover you
I cry out for a god like I don't know His name
And still go on with my life and proclaim
And all this bad evangelism kills the thoughts that were behind it
All these good intentions so no ones quote unquote left behind
But what we all really need is real life

These beats that rock my feet- leave me breathless sweat from heat
Consumed by lyrics that make me sick- again cliche's rhyme and the clock ticks
Again you have to try and quit- or run - or hit your head on the bricks
Just wanting to feel, to see, to breathe

And nothingness is to simple an excuse
If only nothing were big enough to cover you
We cry out for a god like we don't know His name
And then still go on with our lives and complain
And all this bad evangelism killed the thoughts that were behind it
All these good intentions so no ones Quote unquote left behind
But what we all really need is real life

...Real life...

Please Call Me Beautiful

I am undoubtedly, hopelessly, and obviously irreversibly, a girl. I am a girl and becoming a woman. The word woman scares me cause it is what everyone calls my mom, and my aunts, they are women and I am a girl. But as I am becoming a woman I am noticing more and more a fact I was little aware of. Now I am face to face with it. Women in general all desire to be beautiful. They desire to be desired and pursued. Now I could site several authors who will tell you this and back it up- one is John Eldridge. But its true- and no author is needed to prove it. Our desire to be attractive is made blatantly obvious by the way we spend money on endless products and clothes trying to accomplish someone else’s view of “beautiful”. But our real desire, at least what my real desire is- is to be breathtakingly beautiful to a man. To be so desirable that he would pursue me and fight for me. Beautiful beyond my face and body- that he would find who I am, the me that is way down deep, the me that is flawed but longing to be loved- that me- he would find beautiful.

Feminists may find me just another wishy-washy girly girl. But they couldn’t be farther from the truth (in fact they are just in denial cause somewhere down deep in them are the same needs and desires I have) I do not wear makeup, I have nothing pierced. I do not wear the latest fashions. And I spend less on beauty products than I spend on my socks. Not saying I am a greasy, icky person. I am clean and do try to look nice- my point in all this is to say that beauty is somewhere past what the media and magazine people say it is at. In fact, real beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Have you ever met someone who did not instantly take your breath away- but once you got to know them, they became one of the most attractive people you have ever met?

I think truly physical beauty is a bias. Our eyes see and interpret what they want to. Given some things are pleasing to sight and some things aren’t- I am willing to love my cousins’ obnoxious and ugly pug dog Rocky, because he is cuddly and sweet. He has even grown to be cute in my eyes. …See- in my eyes. So let’s temporarily throw out the physical beauty- cause to be honest if I am scarred on my face, I will never obtain that “beauty” and there are some women who are not “beautiful”. What the desire of a woman’s heart truly is- is to be desired for the irresistible beauty of WHO SHE IS! Even supermodels want to be loved for who they are- and they want who they are to be beautiful.

Have I killed the word yet? Just allow me a few more lines. There are parts of me that will never be “beautiful”- but I do so long to be loved and admired for the beauty of who I am. If you are a girl out there (or a woman) who can’t figure out why you are always longing for something- maybe this is it. If you are a man – mystified about how to pursue a girl, allow yourself to fall in love with who she is and tell her how beautiful she is-physically yes. But more about her heart, that beautiful heart that captivated you. (oh, did it?- look up kiddo) Back to you ladies; hold out for it- don’t sell yourself out, don’t sell yourself short. There IS beauty in you – in your feminity, in who you are. People who are worth your time see it. People who love you will praise it.

This one is for you :)

Have you ever cleaned your coffee pot with viniger? Makes a smell like you would never believe- unless you have cleaned your coffee pot with viniger! I would describe it as something like a nose-hair burning chemistry expiriment gone terribally wrong. And that is what gave a good friend of mine inspiration for a prank.
Oh beautious morning it was, we (all of the campers and councelors) were all jazzed from the night before- and this being our last morning at the panama city retreat; we were also exceedingly tired. One of the guy's councelors- J.R. had been just asking for a prank the whole retriet. And while his back was turned the day before the youth pastor and another councelor snuck into J.R's room to plant a few little suprises. Most were the ususal things like icy-hot on the toilet seat.. hehe, short sheating the beads, and freezing the middle shcooler's underwhere. But the absoulute best (and point of the prank) was the bit of viniger the youth pastor put in the bottom of the coffee pot.
Back to the glorious morning. J.R was not the only councelor in the room. Another man, (who is just about the coolest dad i have ever met) Tony B, also shared the room, and appearently also liked coffee. J.R brewed it, but before J.R could drink his cup- Tony B took a "big ol' swig" and proceeded to spew the coffee all over the floor in front of him. Though the prank did not get the right person, it got the right reaction. J.R told us about it later that morning at breakfast- to the mortification of our youth pastor.
Oh well.
The moral of this story: sniff your coffee pot before you brew anything in it!