Woo! ___ is relative

I have been nowhere. And everywhere. And yet still here- in nowhere Florida. Well not really nowhere (that would be where my cousin's live ...haha) The last couple of weeks have prooved my theories on life. It is wow! and made to be lived- hurting and broken, joyful and steady. Like a process. I have deffinately been strung through the prosessor latley. But you know God is good- and I am still here typing with a prupose. Somewhat older feeling than I have been. That may be because I am tired, but more likley because I am stronger for the tests. Might say back on my knees and humbled.
I watched a friend fall. She doesnt even know what she is getting into. She came out of a lifestyle of pain- and now because God didnt work- is going back into it for the pleasures of the moment- desperately trying to ease the heartache of lonleyness. Which "God didnt fill" I could question why but there really is no point. Why's go on all day and the only thing I can come up with is that we fail God- not the other way around. This is killing me though. I know where she is, why she is doing it, and what it will do to her. I know because I have been there too. But she wont hear me; though I love her my love cant save her. She knows what she is doing- its her choice.
My mom is increasingly a stressor. We dont fight really- but we are both strong willed women, and there are only enough people in my home for one of us to boss around. :) Truly we see eye to eye, but have different opinions on almost everything. This makes for staggered mealtimes and much avoidance of conversations outside work (alas we do work together) and family. Time is coming soon when I will be gone, and my sister who is only 14 is having a rough time with that.
Perhaps one of the hardest tests latley has been submiting to the authority of the leaders in my church. Especially the leadership of the head pastor. Freedoms are strained for power struggles and number games. (ie: when how many people attend the church becomes more important than the spiritual depth) It is sad to me that the church is so corrupt. But then so am I- and the church is only a "body of believers" (to use a churchy term... blah!)and we as people, are corrupt.
My point tonight: (ah there is one!) We are doomed to a broken life. We are fallen creatures- we do wrong. This is a truth no matter if you are agnostic, atheist, hindu, whatever- humans hurt everyone and everything around them. The only option we have in this is to accept and practice grace- and recieve a joy that is unexplainable; Choose to hope, a dangerous endevor that in the end leaves us with a life lived with an expectant purpose- somewhat fulfilled. OR we can get cynnical as life breaks us further until we die- rich or poor having nothing but our expierences to weigh and our sense of fulfillment to wish upon.
Hmm that was minutely depressing. I promis to be funny next time.

Rest Again

Ah, and there was peace and quite- and my sister reading what I am typing aloud. Hmmm. Ok well this is a tid bit from my own head- my thought process of late:

"God what the heck- This is killing me!
Man how do I know there is a God?
What?!? Shut up.you live and breathe by God's grace
And have the audasity to question him???
Yeah but all this philosiphy from school- bending my mind in half
So when did i let the words of others dictate my thoughts?
When they sounded right- or wrong
Why do i need tangable? Its not for me to know the mysterys of God
Dangit - Lord forgive me! Lord I want so desperatley to believe fully
FULLY GOD - but i need to see you NEED TO FEEL YOU AGAIN

its been so dry here- and i have been working so hard neglecting the source- neglecting you

you? who am i talking to? with what intent? am i just praying words.
GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THERE! I WILL SCREEM UNTIL I HAVE NO VOICE!!!
You have to show yourself dont hide
If i dont see you I will go crazy -
this is life and death- my faith is faltering but i will not abandon you
Dont you dare abandon me now!!!
The only conselation i have the only comforts are that:
1) I know you are real because of all you have done in my own life
If i can believe myself I can believe you have moved and will move
again
2) All the mind bending philosophy and sience in the world is
only speculation by people like me- humans (and what do we know?)
I CANNOT PROVE YOU WRONG THEREFORE YOU MUST BE UNEXPLAINABLE
3) I can put faith in the infinite because I was made for it (*see
"Meer Christianity"~ cs lewis) I long for another world and rest
that is not found in this life.

God i still dont feel you- and my prayre while simi blasphemous Jesus its where I'm at. And only by your blood- I can doubt and still be forgiven. Loved? Break my heart- or maybe Lord touch me now and put it back together.

I HAVE SEEN YOU AND KNOW YOU ARE THERE_ REMIND ME OF THAT
*Disclamer- I am a professing christian being maybe too honest. I am a sinner only saved by grace.