ENOUGH!!!!

I HATE DRAMA- and that comment emmited by a girl kinda means that she has been a part of some kind of emotional smackdown with 1 or more girls envolved. Well theres life :) and the funny twist is that most drama could be overcome and delt with if people could just get over themselves (me included) and talk about what is going on. Wow couldnt life be easier. Enough of the miscomunication!

I HATE DEPRESSION- hate feeling depressed. And sorry to all those who read my blog- its fairly rare that i get as low as i was last week. I just had about a months worth of drama in 5 days, compleet with school starting, work pressure, the youth ministry regaining momentium, a simi breakup, an ex- almost returning, and three girls- one who hates me cause Im a christian- one who dosnt know who she is, so she hates everybody in turn, and one who I love who kinda just freeballs life and hurts herself! and i carry this too much. So enogh of that i dont have to have the weight of the world on my shoulders!

I HATE PITTY- so here it all is; three things i cant stand. So im standing up. Laughing more. Moving on, cause dang- life is just way too short to bum around feeling miserable.

Jesus said that his yolk is easy and his burden light. Now im not an ox, dont live on a farm- but the idea of a yolk is that you must pull something with this wooden pulling thingy that tends to be heavy (or so the oxen tell me) To pull baggage or bear a burden- its supposed to be light? Blah- i dont know. But if i can just walk with God today, and have him show me where and what. Dude if i can have the strength to listen to him when it hurts to hear his voice- the weight gets lifted! I feel freer! I am contented and joyful! Life is so amazing! And he is enough.

Yesterday I felt as if i would suffocate because the pressure of loving and breaking hearts was so heavy on my shoulders. Then my brother and a friend of ours went out to the beach (such a blessing to live in paradise) The sunset was for me. I have never seen a more beautiful sky! The lover of my soul- It occoured to me that God and the romance he persues me with is so vastly far beyond my heart- it hits all of me and all i could ever be at once. The way he loves (while I cant hold him in my arms) covers me so compleetly that when i just rest in that- his passion is enough to heal every part of who I am.

I Need You To Love Me... By BarlowGirl

Why, Why are you still here with me
Didnt you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run, and hide myself

But its here I see the truth
I dont deserve you

But I need you to love me, and I
I wont keep my heart from you this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me
I just never saw hou you could cherish me
Cause your a God who has all things
And still you want me

And I need you to love me, and I
I wont keep my heart from you this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

And I need you to love me...

I think maybe deep down I just wanna be skrewed up. I spent the last couple nights wishing that I could just get ripped and do whatever the hell I felt like doing! Well I didnt cause I have found that when you drink when you want to (drinking with malicious intent)- you do what you most deffinately regret, yeah its what you "wanted" to do, but if you wont do those things sober- why get wasted?

Hmmm justify my guilt you say! YES THANKS FOR PLAYING_ WANDA TELL THEM WHAT THEY HAVE WON!!! ( a ticket to endless guilt and pain and suffering???)

...for whom the son has set free... i think i desire bondage... no... i desire love...

or door number two: the worst of it is that mostly if tempted strongly enough id do it sober and hate myself even more, seeking to fulfill this need for love by all the wrong means. Going about to satisfy a justified desire, the easiest and most distructive way

A little calmer but brutially honest- There is a guy around. With him I feel safe, i feel compleetly comfortable, and cant seem to get to where i feel like i can date him. My family loves him (and everyone- i think including him, believs we are together- even though I have told him on multiple occations that I cant) And where am i?- pretty much hanging out in denile. Dont wanna lose the friendship- dont want more.

My door number three is my excape, my rock. The only man who dosnt play with my heart. Who knows my ins and outs- who sees how bad i suck at life and who loved me before i made so many mistakes- who loves me now in the midst of more, If i could screem louder I would- but I already have his attention. I have this amazing ability to leave a trail of destruction wherever I love- and Im ready to not "love" anyone but my savior. Now im not talking about not loving peope- im saying not romantically- or with enfatuation.

Im also not saying "I hate life, will never find love", singing dashboard confessional and brighteyes to a slit-your-wrist tune. Life goes on, amazingly. But my heart has been broken enough thank you- Its going to take God slaping me upside the head with the right guy to open me up. (and maybe a crowbar for the wall around my heart)


*deep sigh* or maybe some real healing. I thought I had been, could it be that some wounds can be re opeaned? or am I just making new cuts with the same old knife?

"It all comes down to this today
Move me Lord or I might break
Teach me how to sing your praise
That we might be as one

My lips they move My hearts afraid
To be undone to stay the same
Come in power come and stay
That we might be as one

And I dont know how to mean this more
Cause I cant screem louder from my soul
I dont know how to want you more
I cant get lower than this floor

Will you come..."

For My Next Trick...

I will need 5 dogs and a big house compleet with fishtank to take care of for ten days! Dear Lord!!!! House sitting is fun enough but four dashounds and a beagle later... Lets just say that I have never been so glad to be finished with a job in my life! I think the only cool thing was the fact that I got to hang with my sister, brother, and a couple of friends AWAY FROM MY PARENTS!!! But other than that it sucked my big toe.

Day one went alright, so did day two. Then Christmas eve (which was interesting sence a friend of mine came over and we stayed up all night long talking- no sleep, yey! Oh well Day four the fun with the dogs started. One of them decided to rip a hole in the nice arm chair!!! its not too big but its crappy- and what was worse, the reason it happened is that I forgot to put the mean one that ripps holes in furniture up in the laundry room. Blah. The next few days went along fairly well with the occational pair of shoes being eaten and playing dogs three oclock in the morning. On the bed... Yeah they slept in the guest bed with me... all five.... couldnt shut them out they bark incessently all night (i know cause on night 5 i tried)

So i finally get the hang of everything and learn the dogs personalities, they were annoying but not unbearable, until last night- come to the house to sleep last night exhausted at about three in the morning, jump in my pj's and turn down the covers. One of the dogs jumps up and pees right on my pillow, and all over the sheets.

"THATS IT GET THE F!*#^ OFF THE BED!!!!!"

(he ran around the rest of the night cowering up to me begging, as it were, for my forgivness, and i had to sleep in the parents bed...eww wierd)

The beagle chewed on the loudest chew toy all night, two of the boys wrestleld on the bed until 2AM, and the littlest jumped up and down all night whining cause she wanted to play. And one of them, its a dang good thing i dont know which one, ate the remote controll. I never ever ever ever ever want to smell another wet dog in my life- and I never ever want to own a dog smaller than 60lbs! New years resolution: NEVER TO SEE THOSE DOGS AGAIN!

Oh yeah and they all lick every part of your skin possibal and i think secretly they have a score going of who can get their toungs in your mouth the most times in one day. BLECHHHHH!